In response to your letter, I have written some things that have been bugging me for some time. I just needed to let you know. Maybe with understanding we can get along better. These are the things that annoy me ...

1. Blaming your flatulence on me ... not funny ... not funny at all.

2. Yelling at me for barking ... I AM A DOG!

3. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?

4. Taking me for a walk and then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

5. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ... stop it.

6. Yelling at me for rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

7. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that firm handshake thing yet.

8. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ... have you noticed the FUR?

10. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

11. When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

13. The sleight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain!

Love you anyway,

Your Dog